Unworthy

I had a conversation about relationships with a friend and why mine have all failed. Besides due to my drinking. I realized I get into some relationships because I like being liked. I do not actually want to be with the person, but I like that they want me so much.  Sometimes I do start to like, or even love the person. But I get into too many relationships out of loneliness.  And not even always because I am lonely. I just crave the attention. I realized I have hurt some men, and more women, with this behaviour.

Hell, I did not want to get married but did it because I was scared if I lost him, I would never find someone to love me again. I did love him. I just realized 3 weeks before the wedding that we were rushing it (only dated 3 months he proposed and married 5 months later.)

Now, I seem to always rush things. I love the high of feeling wanted. I savor the spark of the new. I know it goes deeper into feeling my family never wanted me growing up.  I felt I had worth finally as an adult if another person showed me affection.  But I also used alcohol to hide my feelings of unworthiness.

No matter how much I tell myself “you are worthy” or “you are beautiful”, I still feel surprised if someone else believes it. This is why I what to find a therapist who specializes in alcoholism. Hopefully next autumn after I move and settle somewhere, I can search.

Mistake 116- I was visiting a gay friend with my boyfriend. I think we all met up at a bar with mutual friends first. Then we went back to the apartment. My boyfriend and I were staying with my friend for a few days while we visited the city.

We sat around the apartment drinking wine. My boyfriend and gay friend were getting along. They were joking about foreign porn and foreign gay porn. I guess I started to get jealous. I do not know why but I started to accuse my boyfriend of actually being gay. (Many years ago, I had a boyfriend cheat on me with a guy and then start a relationship with that guy after we broke up. I think I have always been worried it would happen again.)

These accusations turned to a verbal fight. I was extremely drunk. They said I ran up to the roof and refused to come back inside. I said I would rather sleep up there but my boyfriend was scared to leave me alone up there. I was screaming and being dramatic. I do not remember any of it. My friend was worried the neighbors would call the cops.

Somehow my boyfriend coaxed me back inside and to bed. I woke up with red, puffy eyes and remember fighting but not the roof. I sort of remembered the reason for fighting. My boyfriend asked me why I would think such a thing and I could only think because of my past experience. But also, I was jealous he was giving my gay friend attention. They were getting along as two friends but I wanted the attention.

My boyfriend and I stayed together for another year and half. So many of our fights were about my questioning his love for me. I started those fights to test how much did he really want me. I need to learn to want myself before messing up another relationship.  So far, I am really loving this sober me.

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