Sober + Single = SUCKS

I know it is suggested to not start any new relationship the first year of sobriety. But I hate feeling so lonely. So I have been trying to go on dates. I figure I am not looking for a real relationship or anything serious now so it will not affect my sobriety. I am only living here for another three months. I want to find someone temporarily. Like a rental partner.

But I am not sure what is worse: sober and lonely or sober and rejected.

I have been messaging with some guys. My dating profile says I do not drink but most guys still ask me out for drinks. I figure I will accept the invitation and then drink tonic with lemon. But so far the dates have not happened. They change the plans or ask me to go out of my way to meet them. They all decline to meet for dinner.

I had one date but it was disappointing. We met for coffee but I will not see him again. He kept trying to finish my sentences and barely made eye contact. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was turned off by my looks so much that he kept looking around the restaurant or out the window. He might have been shy or uncomfortable, but it made me feel undesirable.

I have a profile on another dating site. This site matches people and then has stages of questions before exchanging emails. A few guys have begun the question process. But most break off the match after a few stages. Some break it off right after I send them questions. Was it something I said?

It has been deflating my ego. I usually think I am a good looking woman but starting to worry maybe I am looking old. Maybe men my age only want younger women. Maybe men think a woman who doesn’t drink is boring. Maybe only drunk men would be interested in me.

I felt lonely for my 100th day of sobriety. No one to celebrate it with in real life. No hugs. And it means it has been more than 100 days since I’ve had sex. The last few times I had sex, I was drunk and do not remember it. But abstaining from alcohol and sex is very boring. If they are going to go hand in hand forever, I’d rather be drunk.

I decided to get rid of one source of rejection. I deleted the one dating profile. Now I do not need to worry about flakey guys blowing me off. I actually rather enjoy a good book at dinner than suffer through a bad date. The other dating site is a paid account. So I am stuck with it for a few months. But I deleted the app on my phone so I will not be tempted to check so often and be let down as much.

I need to focus on bettering myself and not meeting new people. Reading. Writing. Exercising. Once I am more stable in my sobriety and understand who I am, I can discover another person.

But I am still lonely. I might search for old playmates to keep me company.

Mistake # 102 – I had a date with a guy I met online. He was a child psychologist. He was very good looking. Very nice. He was also a published photographer. A very successful guy that asked me out.

I showed up at the restaurant drunk. I actually drove there. The date seemed to go well. He invited me back to his place. It wasn’t too far but I followed him in my car. I remember concentrating real hard to try to drive straight. Parallel parking was very difficult.

We drank very nice wine. We drank lots of the wine. He showed me his books of photographs. I remember staring at a nice framed photo on his wall when he kissed me.

Then I do not remember much. I woke up the next day on his couch with my dress laying next to me. He came out from his bedroom to ask how I was feeling. I told him I had a headache. He offered me some ibuprofen and water. I thanked him. I left. I never asked what happened. I assume we had sex but I might have passed out before anything happened.

He texted me about an hour after I left to make sure I got home okay. I apologized for being so drunk that night. He made a comment that I seemed very wasted. I admitted I drank some before dinner and hoped I could make it up to him another time. He said he did not think that would be a good idea.

Maybe drunk dating is worse than sober dating for me.

16 thoughts on “Sober + Single = SUCKS

  1. I wish I had more time to reply but…please don’t drink to pull! I’m just 5 days sober and feeling boring and if it’s any consolation not had sex for way more than 120 days!!! No that’s not a chat up line; I’m single and scared I’m going to be forever but I’m also not going to compromise. You sound like a really intelligent person but rational/clever doesn’t help when we all just want a hug.
    Well here’s a virtual hug xoxoxoxox
    I’ve been on dates when I’ve been drinking and the date has been drinking andit was a great wild time that led to a lovely relationship. For some, or sometimes, maybe; but the memory plays tricks. I used to think it was fun, how else do you ‘break the ice’?
    “May I have the pleasure of buying a beautiful woman a drink”? (never actually used that corny line but you get the point 😉
    “Would you like a green tea, what’s that book you’re reading”?
    Sober + Single may feel crap, it does to me on day 5 of being sober; but I’d rather be sober and let everything else follow in time. In our group this week many of us said how we felt boring unless we drank, how we were the life and soul of the party…well there is more to life and I have to believe there is a sober intelligent sexy goddess out there for me, and a kind clever hunk of a stud out there for you.
    Good things happen when you least expect them, just be yourself, you are loved, wanted, clever and beautiful. Be patient but don’t waste your time on second best….x

    • Thanks for your comment. There are plenty of times I think I am a great person but then the thought of no guys wanting me makes me question myself. Going out for drinks and meeting in a bar is how I met most people I have dated. I thought finding someone online would be easier. But it almost feels worse than getting turned down in a bar. At least then I could dull the hurt with shots. I am not gonna drink over this but it is just getting me down.

  2. I was the girl trying to 13th step everyone early on in the program. Take it from me, it’s a bad idea. BAD idea. 1. We don’t know who we are when we are newly sober, so we are attracting the same old kind of sick people we used to date. 2. We distract ourselves with the relationship & stop working on our personal growth. 3. The -ism manifests itself in codependency SOOO easily, so we can very easily be swayed into degrading ourselves in one way or another for a partner’s benefit.
    I don’t know if you’re doing a 12-step program, but this is one of the ways that they are so very helpful – having others close who are going through the same thing takes away the loneliness. By connecting with others in the program, we learn how to have healthy relationships which aren’t based on sex. After we’ve learned who we really are, we can find much better companions who will be a positive influence in our lives.

    • Thanks. I am now starting to think of going to more meetings. Not sure I want to get a sponsor because I am only here 3 months. I do have a step book I need to get back into reading again. (I bought it 7 years ago.)

      It helps to hear from someone else going through something similar. When I have people that are married or with significant others tell me not to try to date, I want to shout “You have someone! What do you know!”

      • My husband & I were 8 & 5 months sober, respectively, when we started dating. So many newbies tell me, “but you did it!” And I respond with, “Yeah, so I know what I’m talking about!” Lol. Honestly, we went through serious hell in those first 3 years. If he hadn’t gone to spend 6 months in Kuwait, we never would’ve made it. And it was sheer stubbornness and God’s grace which kept us sober.
        Stepwork will keep you busy and a temporary sponsor can help guide you for now. If you don’t want to go that route, you can generally find someone willing to meet up for dinner or coffee before or after a meeting. It’s just hard sometimes to ask.

  3. I could write an essay to you on this! I’m going through similar struggles with sobriety and dating.

    BUT, I’ve been close to throwing it away for guys who are nowhere to be seen just weeks after my close shaves with almost drinking. We value our sobriety highly, right? Why throw it away for someone else? I say that, but the temptation is still there.

    Stay strong girl, you’re doing amazingly x x x

    • Thanks. I know it all makes sense to fix myself first but I hate thinking I have to wait until next January or until I am “fixed” for sex. I do not plan to start anything serious for now. I actually think I should seek a therapist to get over my low self-esteem. I want a playtoy though. 😦

      • I must admit, I do have one and it’s helped me through being single- it started before I stopped drinking though. It’s evolved into a proper friends with benefits situation and although my therapist and sponsor were wary of it, it really works for me. It’s an arrangement based on mutual understanding and I’m completely comfortable with it.

        Don’t worry about being ‘fixed’- you should be able to meet your needs whilst maintaining your self care and protecting yourself.

        I also suspect I’ll never truly be fixed, so why out life on hold until this mystical, (fictional?) thing happens.

        Look after you and the rest will follow x x x x x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s