I am a bit frustrated right now.

Back in January,  when I quit drinking but wasn’t sure if I wanted to stick with it, I started making plans for a reunion with friends.  One of our friends was due to have a baby in February.  She lives 3 hours from our group of old friends. I asked everyone what would be a good weekend in April to for us all to go visit her and the new baby. No one replied. So I asked if this would be a good weekend. Yea, sure. So I requested off of work, booked a flight, and reserved a car.

A few weeks ago,  I asked if all three were still going down to see our friend and her baby. No, one of the guys couldn’t get off work because he is taking off next weekend to go somewhere else. He did not know that when I planned this? Okay, so instead it would be my two friends and one daughter on the 3 hour road trip.

Then last night,  I got a message that another friend can not get off work. He is also going away with the other friend next weekend. But we can all have dinner tonight when I arrive.

I am pissed. Why did they not rearrange their plans or suggest another weekend if this was not going to work? I always feel I am the one to go out of my way. Our friend has another baby that is almost two years and the group has not bothered to take the 3 hour drive to meet that boy. I feel since I am known to be nomadic, I can always be the one traveling to see them. While they take vacations and trips elsewhere, they never come to visit me.

And right after I got this message, there was a text from my work. They know I am off the next five days but they got super busy and could use my help if my plans change. If I did not spend money on a flight, I might consider it. I would rather go to work and make overtime pay. I am worried I am wasting my time for friends that can not make adjustments for me.

Maybe I am just being selfish again.  Maybe they did not know ahead of time they could not go. Maybe this really is out of their control. But I am disappointed and upset. I told them not sure I can make dinner because I might go see another friend.

And that is true. I am waiting to hear back from my ex-girlfriend.  I asked her a few weeks ago about meeting up for dinner. My group of friends told me before she is not invited to their homes. So I would have to see her in secret.

I took out my frustration last night with my food processor. I made “Greek hummus” with spinach and feta cheese.

 

I woke up early today to pack. I did not sleep well from fear of not hearing the alarm clock. I was still mad when I got up but add tired to the mix. So I took out my anger on cucumbers and red bell peppers.  Now I have a salad for my flight.

 

Oh and I treated myself for 90 days sober to my “sober jeans” but they are tight. They will be motivation to stay away from the wasted calories of alcohol. And bagels. I think those are more of a challenge lately.

So I guess chopping and processing and cooking could be my new outlet for anger instead of booze. Or at least one of them.

Mistake #93- It was my birthday. All my friends were planning a night at our favorite club. We started pre-partying at my friend V’s apartment. I remember I was wearing a shear, black top with a black bra. I remember because V’s boyfriend kept staring at my chest rather than my face. I immediately did not like him.

My girlfriend was going to meet us at the club. Her friend drove her and she would go home with me. She lived on another side of the river about 40 minutes away.

We had fun from what I remember. I remember she gave me a ring with my birthstone for my birthday gift. It was in a heart shape.

A few of us went back to V’s place for an after party. I do not remember who drove us there that night. Her apartment was spacious. She had a couple couches spread out. There were two side-by-side in the living room facing the television and entertainment center. There was another one in the dining room instead of a table in there. You could see the couches in the living room from the dining room couch.

I passed out on the dining room couch. I woke up with my girlfriend waking me up and curling up next to me: half on the couch and half on the floor. I did not pay much attention. I was still drunk and needed more sleep.

In the morning, my girlfriend asked “who was that guy that was here?” I said V’s boyfriend’s name. She said “I don’t know. Some dark skin guy. He was creepy.” I asked what happened. She wouldn’t say anything. When V came out, she said something about her boyfriend leaving in the middle of the night. She wasn’t sure what happened cause she was drunk. My girlfriend again made a negative remark about him. V asked what happen. My girlfriend hesitated. We both asked “WHAT HAPPENED?” My girlfriend said she woke up and he was on top of her. V asked “did he have sex with you?” Again, my girlfriend hesitated. Then she said she did not know what was going on. But yes, she woke up and this guy was pulling off her pants. She tried to push him off but he was too strong. He started to have sex with her. She finally was able to push him off of her and ran over to where I was passed out.

I thought I sort of remember blurry images from the couch. But I could not be sure. I remember her coming over to me and sort of remember seeing him standing in the living room. I was not positive though. Drunk thoughts and visions are unreliable. Right away V got mad and asked “he raped you?” While I am bisexual, my girlfriend was lesbian. We guessed that he left V’s room, saw me passed out on one couch and my young, naive girlfriend in the living room by herself. V called him and asked him what happened. Of course, he denied it.

I spent that day, the day after my birthday party, taking my girlfriend to emergency rooms for a rape kit. The first ER was super busy. The next was also busy. I forget why we did not wait. But I finally took her to the military hospital on base. Her dad was in the armed forces and she was a dependent. V’s boyfriend was also military. When we told the staff at the military hospital what happened, they sent military police to the guy’s barracks. The police then came to the hospital. They told us the guy claims it was consensual sex. So they can do a STD test and give her the morning after pill,but there was no need for a rape kit because he admitted to sex. Now it would be a “he said-she said” case.

My girlfriend never filed a complaint. She was too scared. She did not want to go through the hassle of a trial. Plus, we were all drunk. I could not be a witness even though I was almost in the same room. She is not sure of the details 100%. And in this area we lived, we were worried that  jury would feel less sorry for a lesbian.

I felt so guilty for so long. I was so intoxicated and unable to help my girlfriend.

I went to V’s house the next day because I left a few things there. She saw me park at the curb and came out to my car. She asked me what did the hospital exam show. I told her that he admitted to the MPs that he had sex with her. She told me he was still denying it to her. Of course he was telling her no! She wanted to know if the exam showed tears or proof of sex. I said no, they did not examine for proof because he said it was consensual.Then I asked “is he in your apartment right now?” She said yes. She said she thinks my girlfriend was lying. I was outraged. I told her if she was going to believe him over my girlfriend, when I have military police that say he admitted to sex, then I could not continue to be her friend.

I might add that her boyfriend was actually in the process of being kicked out of the military. I think he killed someone while drunk? I forget. But he was not an angelic fellow.

V and I did not talk again for three years. When we did, it was because a mutual friend invited us out together with him. Until that point, we both avoided being at the same parties at the same time. When we made up, we were both drunk, looked at each other, and cried “I am sorry!” We never discussed the rape again. Her relationship with that creep did not last long after that night. My girlfriend and I broke up three months later.

Our mutual friends all think my girlfriend made it up. Their evidence is her coming up to V about a year later, very drunk, and saying she was sorry for everything that happened. She felt responsible for V and me no longer talking. That is why they said she is not invited to their homes. That is why I have to be secretive about wanting to see her. That is why I would rather go see her than my friends that are messing up my reunion plans.

I would like to try to discuss with her that night again. See what we can decipher of the night more than a decade later. And apologize to her for being too drunk that night to be there for her and all the other problems my drinking caused in our relationship.