I broke the vegetarian part of my diet already. Someone brought a beautiful ham into work last night to share with the staff for Easter. There were also platters of fruit, meats and cheeses,  and lots of cakes and desserts. I managed to avoid the desserts and fruits (first two weeks of South Beach, no fruits.) But I had a few cubes of cheese and pieces of salami and pepperoni.  (I never said I was cutting out salt in this diet.)

But I can say “at least I am still sober.” It feels when I have small setbacks like this in personal goals, I am okay as long as I do not drink. I will not make my goal of “10 push ups by 90 days sobriety.” (Tomorrow.) That is okay. I have not lost weight since I quit drinking three months ago. That is okay. Plans I had for dates have failed lately. That is okay.

I want to scream “I AM STILL SOBER!” I want an Oprah-style scream of “she is SOOOOBBBBBERRRRRR!” I want an audience clapping as I walk onto a stage. Damnit, I want Oprah to give me a new car for remaining sober.

Well, maybe I will wait for a year of sobriety before she gives me gifts.

I think hoping dieting will be easier sober. I used to break diets all the time while drunk or hungover. A whole pizza to myself? Sure! Fast food drive-thru window? The grease will soak up my booze.

Now I need to start slapping the coworkers that bring in candy to share. I will not get jaundice from liver damage but I might turn orange from all the carrots I will be snacking on.

Mistake # 89 – I was sober “62-63 days” after my second DUI. I went to daily AA meetings during the time. After my court date, I decided I could drink again. I just needed to moderate and plan things better. Such as, plan a way to not drive if I planned to drink.

I started having a few glasses of wine at my moms. I did not get drunk those first few times. I took that as proof I did not have a problem. Then I got invited to a pool party for Memorial weekend. I asked my friend if I could spend the night to avoid driving. He said no problem.

Since the fear of a DUI was out of the way, I drank a lot. I did not even try to control it. It was more fun when I did not have to worry about limiting myself. “Another mojito please!” I noticed my mixed drinks at home or private parties were always more stronger than the flimsy ones bartenders would make.

I got trashed. I do not know if I did or said anything bad in front of his friends. I ended up on the couch cause I could not make it to the spare room. I do not remember the party after sunset. I do not think I ever got in the pool. (Probably a good idea.)

A few weeks later, my friend that hosted the party was in the city for a weekend. I kept texting him to meet up. He kept giving me half-ass excuses. He kept blaming his friends. He said he did not know what the plans were until last minute and then would forget to share them with me.

I felt hurt. I could not figure out why his friends seemed to not want me to join. I told myself it was because they were gay and woman-phobic. But, just maybe, they didn’t want to babysit a drunk girl. Maybe I did make a fool of myself at the pool party? I have been contemplating a lot lately about friends that I might have lost or kept away due to my excessive drinking but they never said a word.

That friend still avoids me to this day.