Hungry Like A Wolfie

I was supposed to celebrate 80 days of sobriety by going to a New Wave party with a Duran Duran theme. I did not go. I was planning to dress as a wolf for the party. But I decided I did not want to take the chance. I did not know anyone else going besides the DJs. They would be too busy to socialize much. I did not want to be in a bar without friends with whom to hang out and dance. I would feel lonely. I would want a bottle of beer to stand with and make me feel at ease.

I had a good friend post on Facebook that he was in a nearby city. I wanted to see a play in the city. We agreed to meet up after the show.

I picked up a ticket for the show and had three hours to kill. I have proven already I could be in this city and not want a drink. I thought avoiding temptation would be easier by now. But last night, it felt different.

This time, those Happy Hour signs seemed to jump out on the sidewalk. They wanted to trip me. I was being watched by all the patrons on the patios with their wine glasses and their eyes beckoned me to join. “Just one glass”. It would be nice to have a glass and read my book. The desire was a ghost haunting me as I walked down the street. It whispered in my ears to give up this silly sobriety thing.

I think being alone caused the craving. Or because it was nice weather. Or my mind was weak. It made me sad. I wanted it exorcised. I thought I was having an easy time with not drinking. That damn, fucking Wolfie found me!

I dodged the bars. I went for a manicure/pedicure instead. Then I went for dinner at an Indonesian place. I ordered ginger tea. The two women at the table next to me kept ordering glasses of wine. Three each by the time I finished my meal. They should have got a bottle instead.

An non-alcoholic would not count how many glasses of wine strangers had.

After the play, my friend was outside waiting. We found a cafe for tea. We haven’t seen each other since October. We had a lot of catching up to do. A couple weeks ago, I told him I quit drinking. He told me he did also. He did it to be healthier. He is vegan. He high-fived me when I told it has been 80 days for me.

We compared public reactions to both veganism and alcoholism. He said how hard it is to find someone to date that supports his lifestyle. He said people seem to get offended by his eating habits. People tell him it is not healthy. I feel that is like people trying to tell me I do not have a problem. His diet and my abstaining should not affect other people. Why are people bothered by it?

I confessed how hard the afternoon was. It has seemed easy most of the past 2 1/2 months. He said it will get easier. I am not sure it will. It sucks. That Wolfie. That ghost. That desire. She will always be there. I just have to learn to handle that bitch.

I think after I am done in my current location and move, I am gonna seek professional help. I want to find a therapist. The thought of drinking again scares me the shit out of me.

Mistake # 81- I used to be a regular at the New Wave night when I lived in that city. I am sure I did many stupid things. But I remember one night in particular: I introduced myself to a cute guy. He already knew my name. He said “um, yea, we met at the last New Wave night. We made out in that corner.” I was so embarrassed. I ignored him the rest of the night and avoided him any other time I saw him. I do not want that embarrassment or fear anymore!

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6 thoughts on “Hungry Like A Wolfie

  1. Hi,

    I just wanted to say that you did wonderfully well riding that craving through, knowing going to the party was a bad choice right now, getting a manicure, eating, meeting a friend – ALL the right things. These cravings come and go. If you drink again they come back full force and it’s so much harder. It DOES get easier – and then sometimes it will get harder again but the trajectory is upwards if you keep not drinking.

    You are 100% doing fabulously. I really hope you know that and can just keep going. Getting extra, professional support is a great idea too. It’s hard to do this shit alone and that can only be a good thing. Just make sure you pick a therapist who specialises in addiction. (I only say that as I went to one who kept trying to encourage me to moderate – she just didn’t get addiction even though she was great with other stuff.)

    I have really appreciated your honesty and bravery in your blog. Just keep going. You can do this.

    Lilly xo

  2. Hi, thanks for sharing this. I think you did great. I think you were very honest with yourself by not going to the party. This has turned out to be my greatest tool, to know that I don’t trust myself in certain places. That said, it WILL get easier and the cravings will come less often for sure. They say it takes at least 90 days for your brain and body to re-adjust. And therapy for me was crucial too, I would recommend looking for a therapist that specialized in alcoholicm/addition. Keep moving forward! Hugs.

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