Lonely

I have been feeling lost. And sad. Depressed. Useless. Maybe I feel alcohol gave me a purpose. I was fun. Now I am just lonely.

I am single and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I don’t even know how to try to meet someone without going to a bar. It seems everyone I know is meeting someone and getting engaged and I am trying to find an AA sponsor.

And the rules of AA say not to start a relationship the first year of sobriety. That thought makes me want to go to a bar.

Is this my payback for being such a shitty girlfriend and wife during my drinking years?

*(I wrote this blog a month ago and saved it. But I am feeling this way again. I think recent conversations with my exboyfriend are the reason for this current bout of loneliness.)

Mistake# 70- Yesterday, I wrote about the date I invited to a wedding. I met him at Santacon. I actually do not remember much about meeting him. We met in a gay bar that was on the route of the Santas’ bar crawl. We apparently talked about cameras. We went to the next bar together. He lost his friends. I lost my friends. The next bar was at a hotel with a pool. He said I kept insisting on trying to swim in the closed pool but security threatened to call the police. That was how we ended up at my apartment because I knew how to break into my complex’s pool. I am not sure how he ended up in my bed.

The next morning, I went to my kitchen to get water and my friends were sleeping in the living room. I was so embarrassed. Not really ashamed that I brought a guy home, but I regretted that I cheated on my boyfriend. I had a year and half long distance relationship at that time. I kept whispering to my friends that I fucked up.

Santacon guy came out of my bedroom dressed in black pants and white tshirt. He put the rest of his Santa costume in his backpack. He was very cute. He asked me for my number. I hesitated. I gave it to him and he called it to leave his number on my phone. He joked that he was testing to make sure it was not fake. He was funny and sarcastic. I could see why I started talking to him.

After he left, I swore I would never see him again. I would not answer any of his calls nor texts. But I did not delete his number.

My relationship ended a month later. Long distance got to be too hard.
I texted Santacon guy. We became friends until I got trashed with him as my wedding date.

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