I finally woke up today after hitting the snooze button for an hour and half. And in that time I had dreams that started with me at a bar (or party) and telling some friends that I quit drinking, to me drinking at this bar/party, to me having sex with an aquaintance, to me waking up feeling shame for the sex and drinking. Then I even dreamed about blogging about the relapse and calling it “fuzzy Day 1” cause I felt fuzzy the next day. Um, it was a dream so things usually are fuzzy?
I am not sure whether to think of this dream as sad or pathetic or a nice warning sign. Are other sober bloggers out there having dreams of drinking? Are you doing stupid things in these dreams or does alcohol seem wonderful in them? I am 52 days sober. Is this common at this point?
Last night my manager asked me if I was available to work Saturday night for overtime. I told her yes. I have no social life right now. It is put on hold. I hit the snooze button on it to avoid booze temptation.
Mistake # 46 and #47. I was subletting a cute apartment not far from the beach. My friends called it the “Beach Shack”. They would sing the B-52s’ “Love Shack” and substitute the word love with beach. I was a mile to the street full of restaurants and bars.
I had a friend come visit and stay with me for a weekend. We were friends with a group of people that loved to camp and party. We all lived within three hours of each other. We did a lot of festivals together.
I always had a crush on this friend since I first met him about 6 months before. He has beautiful eyes and always smiling. Mr Smiley. We had mutual friends that lived near me. We all made plans to meet up at the bars.
Most of that weekend is a blur. I know I woke up with Mr Smiley in my bed the first morning. We both sort of woke up, looked at each other, and then he ran out to the living room. We were dressed. I do not know if anything happened. I tried to ask him and he said “let’s just forget all about that night.” Easy to forget since I don’t remember.
I started that morning with mimosas. I did not stop drinking all day. We watched movies and drank. The corner store knew me well. They would inform me when I walked in of any new IPAs in stock.
The second night, we met up with our friends again. Bars. Booze. Buddies. After last call, we walked to our friend’s car. My Smiley stopped to get some food. He said that was when they lost me. But I left my keys with him. They spent awhile searching the streets and outside of the bars. I was gone. They decided to drive back to my house.
There they found me sitting on my porch talking to some guy. This guy found me outside of the place my friends stopped to eat and walked me home. “Why did you walk home?”
“I didn’t feel like waiting.”
But then I couldn’t get in my apartment because Mr Smiley had my keys. He said the guy that walked me home seemed pissed when I had a bunch of friends show up. I guess he was expecting a special thank you for walking me home.
We drank more once we got inside. I woke up the next day with another friend in my bed. We had no clothes on. He was a good friend who was always flirting with me and trying to make moves on me for 2 years. Mr Smiley laughed the next day and said “guess his moves finally worked.”
I am still friends with both of them. And friends with their girlfriends. We still meet up for festivals. Every time I see them, I feel guilt and shame. It is like a very long hangover. I want to stop hitting snooze on my shame and work to overcome it.