50 Day Cake

I have been dreaming about this cake all night at work. My Coconut Cake to celebrate 50 days of sobriety!  It still feels like such a small amount of time.  I am still so far away from 6 months. Even thinking of 90 day chip is far. But I am still gonna celebrate this little milestone with cake! And I love coconut! I am half-way to completing Belle’s 100 day challenge!


When I had this (and only this) at the check-out counter, I said to the cashier “breakfast.”
She laughed. “Well sure. It has coconut. And flour.”
I said “just as good as cereal! Oh and look. There is a cup of coffee in the photo on the box.”
She laughed even louder. She said maybe she will pick some up too.

I left the store smiling. I thought I can still be funny and friendly without booze.

Mistake #44- Last year, my favorite bar was a tavern next to my apartment building.  I knew all the bartenders by name and they let me stay pass closing. The one female bartender was getting married in a couple months and we would chat about wedding plans most nights I was there. She was Indian and we chatted about my travels to the subcontinent. She always had a new bottle of beer opened before I finished one. I loved going in there when she was working.

I woke up one morning with a strange guy in my bed. Apparently, we met at the tavern. He knew a lot about me and I didn’t even know his name. Turns out, he was gonna be best man in the Indian bartender’s wedding. He asked for my number. Then he actually grabbed my phone to call his phone to make sure he got my number. I just wanted this guy out of my place.

He started texting me asking me out. I always had work as an excuse. Then I went away the whole month of April. I lied and said I would get in touch with him when I got back.

I avoided the bar when I got back for a few months.

One night in July, I went at the bar alone. The grocery store was closed and I was out of beer at home. I was drinking a few IPAs and switching from reading my book to reading my phone. Then while staring at my phone, I got a text: “your phone must be very interesting.”

I replied “yes it is.” I guessed who the mystery texter must be. I also refused to look up or around the bar to try to avoid eye contact. I went back to reading my book.

Next text: “don’t you even want to know who this is?” I was able to glance and read it while leaving my phone sitting on the bar in front of me. I acted too interested in my book and did not pick up my phone.

Then he sat down next to me and started to ask something about why I am not concerned who is texting me. I still did not look up from my book and told him I figured who it was.

I still could not remember his name. I didn’t want to know it. I was not interested in this guy but how can I tell him that after already having had sex with him. Should I say “Sorry but drunk blacked-out me makes bad mistakes and you were one.” I was trying to politely blow this guy off. Then the Indian bartender came in and started to praise him. I immediately wondered if she was the reason I took him home in the first place.

I used to pride myself on at least still having good taste when wasted and my one night stands were usually hot ones. This guy was not attractive and not interesting. Sitting there that night,  I found him so boring. I was so ashamed.

I moved away from that city a month later. I moved away for many reasons but felt relief to be away from most of those bars. I was having so many one night stands, it felt dangerous to go to my regular pubs.

3 thoughts on “50 Day Cake

  1. We are brave for putting this out. For sharing our truth. It’s not just ours it’s so many woman who live with these stories as secrets that can crush the soul. Telling our stories my other people not feel as alone. And make Eric want to protect his daughter

    • It is scary and disgusting to think of the risks I took. I have to believe in a higher power that saved me from STDs. Maybe I should start thinking of my higher power as “Condom God”.

      Nah… I have my gods.

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