From my journal September 6, 2002:

Another drought in my journal… I don’t really want to catch up on my thoughts of the past month. But I want to say I have finally sought help for my drinking problem. I realize I can’t control alcohol on my own. I need help + support, so last week I went to my first AA meeting.  It was Labor Day weekend. R went with me. I think I have realized there is hope for me. There is a life out there without drinking. Alcohol has held me back in so many ways. I’m tired of asking people the next day what I did. I’m like Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde when I drink. I become angry and mean and super depressed. And all those “friends” I was afraid of losing if I stopped clubbing… where are they? Who are they? My friends like [me], not just some drunk chick that likes to party and cause drama.

I’m giving my body and mind another chance. I’m being reborn into a healthy life. Now God, please give me the strength!!!

Then there were several entries where I seemed to be on a pink cloud. I still had problems with my relationship but I thought going sober was going to be the answer. There is no mention of when I started to drink again but I think I made it 30 days sober at that time. If I remember correctly, I started to drink again when I went to visit my sister. She told me to just drink wine and beer. Stay away from liquor.

That relationship I was in ended in November, about a month and half after I started drinking again. Drinking was a huge problem for both of us. But I do not think that person is an alcoholic. We met for dinner a few years ago and I had 4 drinks compared to his one. I excused it as I was nervous. I sat in my car for a bit after dinner to sober up as he drove away.

Mistake #27- The last night I drank before my first sober attempt:

It was a Thursday. Back then, I knew which bar and which club were good each night of the week. I will call that night’s bar Sneakers.

I made dinner for R and my roommates. We had wine with dinner. Then some beers. Actually I had some beer while making dinner. So when R and I decided to go out, I was already drunk. We got to Sneakers and I ran into D, a friend of mine that has not been out for awhile. She and I had some of our favorite shots, Red Headed Sluts. And we drank lots of beer. It seems that from the moment we walked in the bar, R was not paying me attention. So the drunk me got jealous. I don’t know how long I was there. But when I saw R sitting on a girl’s lap, I was furious. I stormed out of there and went to [another club. It was a club I used to frequent in my early 20s with my ex-husband.] I stayed there for one drink. The club sucked. I am not interested in that place anymore. I don’t know any of the people there anymore. [read: I liked places where I knew people and could feel popular.]

So I went back to Sneakers. Apparently some fight between me and R happened. A friend’s boyfriend said I kissed someone else. Something about I almost got arrested. Not sure if that is because of the fighting. I threw out the promise ring R gave me.

And we woke up the next morning bruised and sick. The really sad part is R had more bruises than me. I apparently kicked the shit out of him. My bruises were self-inflicted. He refused to hit back. I spent Friday crying and puking. I went to work Friday night and felt sick and depressed all night.

I decided I needed to sober up. Drinking has made me lose control over my life. I have a problem. I have been emotionally abusing people with my drinking for years, but now I am physically hurting the person I love. I feel so ashamed. And I threw out the heart shaped ring he gave me for my birthday. What was I thinking???