I am still not comfortable telling most people about my sobriety. I have not told many friends that I have quit drinking. I am worried about their reactions. I am worried they will try convincing me to moderate my consumption. I am worried they will not believe I have a problem.

Last night, a friend called. She wanted to talk about her job and boyfriend. We chatted for awhile. She mentioned a festival this summer and asked me to go with her. I told her a few reasons I am not sure I can go this year and then added “I quit drinking” so not sure I can handle it sober. She did not push me to go nor argue with me. She even asked if I could avoid my party lifestyle if I relocate to the area I plan to move to this summer. We talked about the challenges I am facing. And at the end of the conversation, she told me to call her if I ever need to talk to someone. It was so reassuring. I texted her later to tell her how much I appreciated her encouraging words. She replied “Big hugs, let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you in this.”

I still feel I need to be cautious about who I tell. It seems it will be a litmus test for real friendship. But also makes me realize I measured most of my potential as a person in how much I could party.

I had lunch with my mom today. She ordered some sort of alcoholic cider drink and I had a soda. She said “are you still not drinking? This is very good” and pushed the straw my way. I told her no thanks. It annoyed me.

We talked about different things during our meal but towards the end, I started mentioning my problem. I talked about ethnicities that have high rates of alcoholism and diabetes because they do not process sugar well in an attempt to educate her that both are diseases. I brought up the 100 Day Challenge and that I should finish May 1. I was trying to think of an award. She changed the subject.

I can’t be too mad at my mom. She has seen me and listened to me quitting several times. She much rather try to avoid confrontation and ignore problems. She had to drive 5 hours to bail me out of jail once and then come down for my court date 2 months later. Neither of us thought I would walk out of the courtroom that day. But she still doesn’t understand addiction.

So I am trying to estimate which friends to reach out to for support. I feel I can avoid drinking at my mom’s but do not feel I can consider her as support yet. Maybe after my 100 days or 6 months of sobriety, she will start taking me more serious. Or maybe if I start to share with her some of my mistakes, she will understand it is a real problem.

Mistake #19- About seven years ago, I was invited to a pirate themed birthday party for a woman I knew from a website. She lived near my mom. The party started at her house and then we went on a 3 hour boat ride.

I barely knew the hostess and knew no one at this party. So to feel more comfortable, I started to drink quickly. And drink a lot. They had a huge cooler with a batch of a mixed drink with lots of different rums. I think it was called Pirate Poison or something like that. I brought a bottle of wine as her birthday gift. She had a glass and I think I drank the rest. I was feeling friendly and drunk as I walked with this group of people to the boat dock.

I remember having a good time. I drank a lot of that poison punch. I remember dancing. I took a lot of photos but the last few are all blurry. I woke up the next morning on a couch in her garage. I got up, grabbed my bag, and just left. I never went in the house to find her. I drove to my mom’s.

My mom was drinking coffee and reading her newspaper when I got home. She asked where did I sleep and I told her at the house. She said “well at least you didn’t drive drunk.” But not sure I was completely sober that morning.

The polish on my toenails seemed it was scrapped off. The birthday girl called me to check on me. I apologized for passing out. She said I passed out on the boat. Two guys had to drag me back to her house. I was wearing sandals so my toes dragged all the way back. Hence… no more toenail polish.