New book I am starting to read about her “relapse fantasies. “
I started a blog earlier today. Then I saved the draft while I read my journal to find a mistake to post for today. I was reading my journal from the summer of 2012. I decided to change my blog to be appropriate for the holiday.
As usual, there are a lot of entries stating I needed to quit drinking. It seems as the years went on, I said this more often. I kept noting things about my life I wanted to change. I listed things I wanted to improve. But that summer I expressed fear.
I was single and was having too many drunken, one night stands. Sometimes I would wake up and not know if I had sex. It was always an awkward conversation or text message. And my bigger question was “did we use a condom?”
Then I had sex with a good friend that summer. I am not listing that as a mistake because I had a crush on him for years. But I do wish I remember it. He said I started to seduce him in a hot tub. I blamed the heat on increasing my intoxication. He voiced concern about my drinking. He told me it was dangerous to get that drunk. Do I always use condoms? I honestly told him I was not sure.
I got an AIDS test shortly after that. It was negative. I have the results in my journal.
I had a few drinking breaks after that. But once the heavy drinking started again, I started having unknown sex again.
I was tested again a year later for everything. Thankfully, I was negative for all. I’ve been careful since then mostly because I have not been in any situations to put me at risk.
I am lucky. I read up a lot about STD rates in the United States. I have friends that tell me “no big deal” because they were unlucky to have caught something.
Mistake # 17- I had a date with a guy I met online. He was okay. He drove me home after dinner and drinks. Somehow I invited him in to watch a movie. We drank a lot of beers. He said he could not drive home. I told him he could stay on the couch. I kept drinking. And drinking. I had a nice stocked liquor cabinet for when I ran out of beers.
I went to pass out in my bed. Not sure how he ended up in my bed. I do remember insisting he use a condom. And then sometime during sex, he pulled it off. I was too drunk to stop him. I cried. He finished and I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, he apologized before he left. He promised he had no diseases. He claimed he would get AIDS tested to prove it to me. I texted him weekly asking for the results. He never responded. Two months later I texted him a lie and said I had herpes and I got it from him. He finally replied that I must have got it from someone else. Then he kept trying to call. I wouldn’t answer. Hope I put some fear into him.